Let the sun fade

I’ve been thinking a lot about an ex lover of mine lately. Not out of love, or even  nostalgia. I have been looking back to make sense of my actions, of my choice and very little has come out of it so far.

What is it about us humans, that the very first person who offers us love, we readily take it. We don’t stop to wonder, if they deserve us or not. We never stop to look at ourselves and contemplate our true self worth, instead we jump into the river, ready to drown.

I was infatuated, my standards had fallen so low I failed to see any fault with this person. To me, he was beautiful, to me he was intelligent, however the sad reality is that he was exactly the opposite of what I made him to be. What made me see this idealized version of him ? His own self confidence perhaps, or maybe the fact that he was the first person to tell me that he loved me.

I was surprised, astounded, ecstatic. Love me ? Love the worthless person that I thought I was, that had to be close to a miracle ! This person has got to be my true love. He clearly sees in me what others did not, I must love him in return ! And this way, my low self esteem lead to my first relationship. I wish I could say that he raised my self confidence, I wish I could say that he made me love myself, which I liked to believe he did. But looking back I realize that he did nothing to support me, cherish me or even remotely love me. He was emotionally abusive and always held me up to comparison against other women. I grew up believing that these magical Arab women were so much better than me, just because this guy who supposedly loved me seemed to prefer them.

I try to look back and think what good came out of that relationship. Did it help me grow as a person ? Did it help me become more self confident, did it in any way make me a stronger person ? Was I atleast happy ? And the answer to each of those questions has been a resounding no. He broke me down several times, and made it seem like it was my fault every single time and I believed him, because how could this angel from heaven be wrong. “Did he molest me ? No, of course not, it was my fault of course ! I didn’t let him know, Im sorry sweetheart I’ll tell you very clearly I’m uncomfortable next time, by doing more than just trying to push you off and saying no.”

I repressed everything, every single time I couldn’t sleep at night properly because I was worried he was going to leave, because of something I said, something I did. I thought I was wrong for feeling that way, after all he loved me, and that girl he was very openly flirting with was obviously a friend. Stupid, silly, jealous me.

I would have lived with these feelings forever, believing that my feelings were wrong, that my thoughts didn’t matter, that I needed makeup to look presentable. But thankfully I can burn this corpse now, the one that has been buried in the backyard of my mind for far too long. Let those demons out, as painful as it might be, think about them and ponder over why you still let them be a part of your life. I know that the first time we fancy ourselves to be in love, we try to cherish it and make it the best experience of our lives. But maybe it isn’t love, maybe you just need them, because you aren’t sufficient on your own. Learn to love yourself, and then tell me you love another.

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